"Fuck The Drug War": An example of the guys I attract.

I've met a lot of unique people since I moved to Seattle. Mostly creepy people, or people who start off kind of endearing and then are creepy later. Last month at a bar I met someone named Fuck. (Middle name: "The Drug", last: "War". Considering changing to "Fuck Religion".) He had some interesting facial tattoos, one of them being a naked man above his eyebrow with some sort of profound quote next to it about facing the wind or something. "Ladies are usually pissed when they meet me because they realize they've been screaming my name during sex for years!" That scared away most of the group surrounding me. I ended up talking to him because, well, most others had left, and the one friend I was with was deep in a group of people I couldn't weasel myself into. I thought he actually knew people there, but it turns out he just knew one guy who he met on YouTube, and that guy had left.

Once he saw that I didn't really give a shit about his shock tactics, he proceeded to hit on me aggressively and almost bought me a drink except that it coincided with me getting the fuck away from him. Just before I had decided to bail and after he made his offer, I asked him bluntly "Well, how much are you willing to spend?" with a straight, unfriendly face, hoping it might either dissuade him or win me an expensive drink. "Well look at you!" He squealed, using the opportunity to caress me somehow. "Whatever you want!" I decided the drink wasn't worth it.

One of the conversation topics he introduced out of the blue: "Are you related to anyone who has died recently or has some sort of severe disability?" Another winning quote: "You're vegetarian? That's cool. I'm vegan, except that I eat meat and cheese and eggs and other animal products. But I still feel like I identify most with the vegan mentality." He also had communion wafers in his pocket that he had stolen somehow. Classy.

One of my favorite parts: He sucked down the last of his drink. "Ew, that tasted bad. I need to get the taste out of my mouth." He looked at me for a moment, then started to lunge forward. At the first sign of movement towards me, I blurted out "Eat a cupcake!!" (There were cupcakes there). He reached for one, then paused, looked back at me and seductively said "I don't want a cupcake." I got up and paid for my drinks.

I have learned that the best thing to do in these situations is just leave, because I attract the winners who don't understand what "no" means. Even after the 7th time. Even after "Look, I am NOT attracted to you that way, and never will be. There will be no chance with me, ever. EVER." Even if I proceed suck on the face of another guy right in front of him. There will still be unwanted touching and attempted kissing, as if I'll suddenly change my mind. Maybe, despite my deliberate statements and actions saying "no", which these days are beginning to border on insulting to them, I still somehow seem to convey a "tee hee, maybe" or an "It's opposite day!". I don't know.

(Not that I attract guys all the time, but the infrequent and few that pursue me are fucking psychosauruses.)

I'm considering violence next. I wish I hadn't lost my pepper spray.