Hypochondria

What better way to spend unemployment's gift of free time than to worry?

Recently I've been accumulating a variety of random symptoms, none of them serious on their own, and probably insignificant. But thanks to WebMD's Symptom Checker, I am now sure that I have 6 months or less to live.

I was just curious, which always ends badly. And as I began going through all the symptoms, I realized there were so many more that I didn't even know I had. "Hey ... you know, my lower back does kind of hurt." "More tired than usual? Now that I think of it..." "'Blank stare'? That's a symptom? I'VE BEEN DOING THAT MY WHOLE LIFE!!" The more I checked, the more I worried, and the longer the list of potential conditions became. Here are some highlights:

--Supraventricular tachycardia
--Aortic Stenosis
--Hyperthyroidism
--Cocaine abuse
--Pulmonary edema
--Hemophilia
--Pre-leukemia

(Unrelated side note: cancer is way cooler if it's spelled "canxer")

With the help of Wikipedia, it's clear that I'm totally fucked. I mean, hemophilia is basically only in males, so I must be really sick. I don't remember abusing cocaine, but that just means I must get so high that I black out.

But in all seriousness, I'm sure I'm mostly healthy and will in fact have a lifespan longer than I want it to be.

I'm pretty positive, however, than I'm a host to Toxoplasma gondii, considering my love for cats and the fact that I find myself snuggling them almost before my brain processes that I've seen one. Including the gnarly ones in India and Brazil. You know... cat-fondling or not, considering the amount of dirty countries I've been to and the fact that I've been biting my fingernails basically since I've had teeth, I'm sure I've picked up a variety of other intestinal parasites, too. Dear parasites: Aren't you supposed to make me lose weight? What's the deal here?
Anyway, I would like to blame T. gondii for my high incidence of past car accidents, since apparently they're related. It's not my fault, it's my parasites'.